Struggling to be the dad I want to be...

Things have been so very tough recently. I have really been struggling. A combination of work, the past and not addressing things that have got on top of me. This has left me in a space where I really do need to start doing something about this. I find myself not being the husband and the dad I want to be. The girls are growing up, facing huge challenges themselves and I have ended up in a place where I am not helping them or have no emotional space to be an effective parent. We came back from holiday and things reached a horrible head for me, where I broke down and my resilience went pop. Realising how I had been dealing with many things was not the right way to go about tackling my childhood and its impact, Auntie passing and not coming to terms with my grief and the impact that covid and my work has had on me. I had not been a good dad for some time. Insular and distanced. I took a breath, took stock and started to do something about this and am seeing a counsellor. It's really helping. I'm starting to find a better space to help my girls. Be there to guide them and make a parental bridge for them to use. The world is coming thick and fast at them and it's really tough. One day a time, I am starting to feel better. One day at a time, my wellbeing is improving and putting me in a better place to be a dad. So, here's to your new dad and working together to overcome what is ever thrown at us. Watch this space x 

Those lovely relaxing holiday vibes....

Nothing like spending two weeks with family in an amazing place such as Sorrento, Italy. Perfect for the Hammonds with good food, ice cream galore, a pool, lovely weather and for me lots of history and archaeology to admire and enjoy. If you ask the girls this morning though if they ever want to see pizza and pasta again, I think the answer may be a resounding no!! I feel like a different man and the relaxation that came from simply stopping was like nothing I have ever experienced before., or I had simply forgotten with all that has passed. Lovely to spend time with the girls, when they weren't searching for the nearest available Wi-Fi! I particularly enjoyed the time spent with Lucy at Pompeii and the archeological museum and will be a cherished memory for ever. The context of the holiday and the area probably was not quite the girls cup of tea, but they seem to have benefited from the change and done something out of their comfort zone, which is important. Very excited return home to see the dogs and be back in their own space though as well. Anna straight out to see friends and back on some football training in the garden. For Amy and I, just time to stop, relax and wind down after some very difficult years gone by with the pandemic. This will be a family holiday I will for ever be grateful to have had, it could even be the last as the girls get older. I hope not. Now definitely skint and need to earn some more pennies fast!!! Back to the grind today and off on my work travels, with the memory of Sorrento well and truly embedded in my treasured memory bank 😊

The weekend of the birthday girl and dancing queen!

Definitely an eventful weekend in the Hammond House that just passed. Anna growing to the ripe old age of fourteen (how did that happen?!). Lots of loud teenagers roaming around the house in celebration. Lots of footy swag, clothes and her favourite part of the celebrations had to be having her friends around, and not the boring Friday evening with her parents! Happy birthday to our wonderful and slightly grumpy teenager! Lucy, swapped life for the evening, all glammed up and out of her normal jeans and t-shirt outfit, for a beautiful and sparkly dress for her school prom. Not really her thing, but I think she had a wonderful time, lost her voice, gabbled excitedly and continuously when she got home! Both landmark days for the girls to remember. Amy and I now completely skint and slightly exhausted 😀 Never mind, just over two weeks before we head off to Italy for our family holiday! 

And that's a wrap...

She's done it! Lucy has finished all her exams and without jinxing the results and outcome she seems quietly confident that she has done quite well. I can't believe my eldest is no longer at school! I am deeply regretting the 'cash for good results' deal I struck with her mid pandemic. It could cost me a pretty penny or two! If she has done as well as she thinks, then without a doubt, I cannot think of a young lady who is more deserving of such a reward. She has coped remarkably well in adverse times and worked so very hard. I have fingers and just about everything crossed for her. Now she is on a very long summer holidays and I feel my inner parent shouting 'get a bloody job!', after a short rest of course 😆 Four week countdown to Italy and our holiday and a four day count down to demon child's fourteenth birthday! Well done again Lucy. We really are very proud of you and I hope that anxious wait for results till the end of August is not too worrying x

And we are off!!! Under starters orders....

Exam week hit hard this week, with Lucy completing five exams in four days, some of which were the howlers she has been dreading such as maths. Not an easy experience to go through and I am very proud of her resilience, perseverance in studying every night, talking openly to manage the stress and drive to get through that first challenging week. She's worked so hard and despite the huge disruption to her education in the past couple of years, motivated herself, driven her self on and focused with her eyes on the prize. Lucy has always planned ahead and given herself targets to focus on. I did worry that this would be her undoing and perhaps driving too hard towards a single goal. I was wrong, it's given her the armor to  take the bullets of the first week, as well as a pragmatic nature about the subjects she struggles with. She has approached the first week with a maturity beyond her years. She's a tad exhausted now! With less exams next week and then half term the week after, that initial hit is waning for now. Of course, like everybody whose ever taken an exam, we have had the post exam doubt, the worry about the questions you may have got wrong. She can't change things now and I know she has done her best and some. That is all a parent can ask for. I couldn't help myself and had to buy her a well done, you got through the first week cactus for her bedroom! Those in the know, will realise this is a good gift for my Loobychick. Well done darling. Rest up and reset as more to come next week. Really proud of you as always 😍 x

Lucy only went and did it as well!

Subject to exam results it looks likely that Lucy will be getting her wish fulfilled and studying for her A-levels at Long Road in Cambridge. She wants to study English, History and Criminology. I am so proud of her and all her hard work. The last round of GCSE mocks went really well, with her improving in some areas such as science where she often struggles. She is a superstar and coping really well with all the pressure, having lost so much teaching in the run up to these exams in the last couple of years. I think she must get her intelligence from her father!!  I did nearly have a heart attack researching the cost of the yearly train ticket to get her there in well over £1200!!! She's worth it though as she perhaps sees this a bit of new start, making new friends and starting to get some wider life experience. She's so brave to branch out. My natural inclination, after all this madness would be to stay close to home, but as Lucy says 'she loves us, but doesn't like us and hates most people!' 😆 Keep going in the coming weeks and the rewards will be yours. Go forth and enjoy the adventure xx

She only went and did it!

Anna did so well at her trial for the England Women's talent pathway and she smashed it. We proudly got an email this week stating that she is going to be a player who they will watch and support to nurture her talent. How awesome is that! I am so proud of her and sincerely hope this will give her more confidence to grow and develop, building on the talent she has. Maybe, just one day, I will proudly watch my daughter in her first professional game. You've got to dare to dream! We all believe in you, so much and love watching you play footy even in the howling wind and rain! Keep working hard, keep striving to improve, stay humble which I know you will and the rewards will come your way. Good work Wiggle x

Continuing to grow in confidence...

The space that Anna seems to feel most comfortable in as she negotiates teenage life is most definitely on a football pitch. Today she has gone to Carrow Road to watch the England Lionesses play and my hope is it inspires her to dream and show her that anything is possible. She continues to work so hard with her training and playing. She gets hurt and stands right back up and has pulled off some magical saves this season so far! On the 5th March she has a trial for the Lioness Talent pathway and a few hours to show them what she is made of. I know she's nervous, I know she carries so much self doubt, but I also know she is capable of amazing things on a football pitch. She will do herself real justice and I am confident perform well. I simply love watching her, her courage shines through in all she does, learns from her mistakes and builds on this. For example, she has really focused on rushing an oncoming striker and making herself big in recent months and it's starting to pay off. Think big Anna, be bold and anything is possible 😊

Oh for simpler times...

Oh how I am struggling with these things called teenagers. What being created such things - they are argumentative, moody, hormonal, disaffected and unsociable. Add into this the impact of a pandemic, the isolation, loss of social contact and the kids having to compromise when they should be in a time in their lives of freedom, learning and expression through social experiences. I see things changing around me but there is a long way to go to get back to normal, and it appears a new normal is developing and one that takes away all the amazing experiences of being young and growing into an adult. The result is frustration, agitation and upset with many arguments in our house at present. I am not doing well as a dad, I get frustrated and stressed with the challenges of providing for a family financially and the cost of living going up daily, I am going backwards fast as I desperately try to support the girls and help them build a platform for the future. I am not out of the game, lets just say I have lost this round and am coming out fighting. In the meantime, I will try my hardest to be more empathetic and patient with the girls, and not expect them to understand the madness of all this situation, after all most days I don't either! Onwards and upwards as they say and keep focusing on trying to be a better dad and person every day...

Looking from the outside in....

It's been a strange festive period for me with the start being a horrible work day like no other on Christmas Eve when I was supposed to be having my first day of the holidays. It took me quite a few days to get over the shock of events and settle into resting, festive fun, relaxing and calming down. In between days such as the anniversary of Auntie's passing and having to go into work have made it even harder, not allowing me to switch off. I folded this week and found Auntie's absence this year so difficult. I did manage to spend some time with Amy and the girls, a lovely Christmas lunch, plenty of swag, some time with Libby and company, a wedding anniversary meal out which was lovely and tonking the girls at Monopoly. It wasn't the Christmas I had hoped for and I struggled but it was lovely to have some family time and this is the only thing that's important. Poor Amy now poorly in bed with a sickness bug, so it's just me and the girls this New Years Eve and ready for Anna's meatballs and pasta! 😋  I pray and hope that 2022 brings a different kind of year for my girls, one of freedom, joy, new experiences, new friendships, happiness, love and opportunity. They really do deserve it and it's my only wish for them both. My kind, feisty, belligerent, argumentative and lovely young ladies xx 

Starting to feel a tad festive!

The big push towards a family Christmas break is on as the Hammond's could only be described as a bit 2021 battle weary. Me, I've got a huge amount to get through to get to that point, wrap up work so that I can breath and spend time with Amy and the girls. I'm acutely worried with new Covid variant and winter pressures looming darkly on the horizon that I will not get this time with them over Christmas or time to relax either, which is greatly needed. The pandemic has taken complete control away from me in an attempt to find a work life balance. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is my coffee! The attached picture is definitely my virtual Christmas card this year! A lovely afternoon spent yesterday getting the house festive with Anna, under the watchful and authoritative eye of Mrs Hammond. Her constructive guidance and mentorship meant we got through it calmly and without incident😆 It does look sparkly and some of her ideas do look good. She creates and we implement! Big push ladies. Two more weeks of school and three more weeks of work for me. We can do this and find a bit of festive sparkle at the end of it! 

Back on it!

Lucy is back up and running and resiliently working through her mock GCSE's. Really proud of her in the manner she's picked herself up after feeling pants with Covid and in a focused, driven manner approached her exams positively. Can't have been easy and yet another disruptive outcome of the pandemic for my girls to overcome and recover from. This may not be one of the most distressing things that has happened as a result of the last few years, but very important to Lucy, her well being and building herself a future. I attach a picture of the back of her head, as this was all she gave me consent to take! 😆 A woman is blossoming in front of my eyes and it's hard to believe. Another week of exams for her to get through and then we are on the run in to Christmas! We have all downloaded our Christmas album onto iTunes and the singing has already begun! Keep going Lucy and week two will go well xx

Excitement, elation and then sadness with a touch of dismay...

Mrs Hammond reached the ripe old age of forty five and the girls have given her more grace with the onset of elderly juice 😆 Along with her gammy knee, we headed off to Watford to the Warner Brother studios at the weekend as a family to celebrate the collective birthdays of our girls. We had a wonderful weekend and just what a Harry Potter super fan needed after so much disappointment in the last year or so because of the pandemic. Although now sixteen, Lucy was like a big kid in a sweet shop and the smile on her face when she saw the new exhibits in the Gringotts bank, the forbidden Forrest and many other Potter delights was a privilege to witness and one I will not forget. She grinned from ear to ear. It was really lovely to do something 'normal' as a family and a weekend full of memories. Sadly when we got home, Lucy bubble burst quite dramatically as she tested positive for Covid, feels pants and is now in a period of ten days isolation. Gutted for her does not describe how angry I feel. However, she has been very anxious about getting the virus and it is mine and Amy's hope that this will rebuild her confidence and she can move forward after her recovery. Happy birthday to both my crock birthday girls and wishing you both a quick recovery with love x

I'm not truly sure how that happened!

Time seems to pass so quickly. I find it incredulous that Lucy was sixteen a couple of days ago. She is growing into a woman before my eyes every day and I simply can't keep up. I love the tenacity, insight, caring nature, argumentative and inquisitive traits that are emerging in her personality day by day. She is always questioning things and working out a good sense of right and wrong. There are days where she is more like a union rep, but I want to encourage this. There is talk of her wanting to become a lawyer and I believe she has the intelligence, social understanding and open thinking to possibly achieve this dream developing in her. A quiet sixteenth birthday shopping and having lunch in Norwich with just us as a family. I think she really enjoyed herself and next weekend is the big event, in a trip to Harry Potter Studios. Her levels of excitement are building and I love the element of being a child she still holds and she does not seem in too much of a hurry to grow up, unless we are talking about her next piercing or her first tattoo she's planning at age eighteen! Both Amy and I are so proud of her, her hard work and the woman she is becoming. Happy Birthday Looby Chick! Loved, despite your high levels of sarcasm xx 💕

New level, tougher challenges....

Anna is definitely experiencing a different standard of football in the JPL this season, but I think she is relishing it and already starting to shine. She is extremely studious, reflective, trains hard and is fearless in the games. She is part of a newly formed team that is taking it's time to gel with a tough pre season full of freak injuries and some hard opponents. She is loving it and desperate to prove herself. Their first league game on Saturday was a harsh footballing lesson with a 7-2 loss to an established Coventry side with bags of skill and energy. I can already see improvement in Anna in training with these boys who are really good, they just need to learn to play as a team in the coming months. She is growing in confidence and making some friends too, which always is a good sign she feels comfortable in the space she's in. Keep up the hard work Anna and that first win will come 😊

Schools out for summer...

Such enthusiasm in the Hammond house for the joy of learning and progression. The summer holidays that never really were have finished and the girls and Amy trudge back to school and work respectively. It's twenty eight degrees and the sun is finally shining!!  Lucy looks a bit more up for it than Anna as she enters her last year of school and her GCSE year. Dear god where did that time go! They look so smart and well presented, befitting of a photo proudly displayed on social media like the doting parents we are! 😆 I have one wish for them both and that's an uninterrupted school year, where they can learn, get out of house, spend time with friends and rebuild. By the looks of those strained smiles in the photo, I'm not sure they feel the same. Go get them girls, the world is your Oyster! 

Where did that holiday go...

After our brush with Covid and period of isolation we all started to try and get into the summer holiday groove, have a break and enjoy the sunshine. Thankfully Amy and Anna are now both well. August decided we would have to do without the sunshine and in my case, work and circumstances decided I would have to do without some of my much needed break. 'm back at work now and that opportunity to rest has gone. The girls are having a strange summer with the after affects of Covid still lingering and not getting out much. Habits formed in this challenging year are not yet being broken. Both have had such difficult years and the need to flop, chill and watch Netflix seems to be the overriding mission at the moment. Anna has returned to playing footy, but Lucy has not yet found her stride. I'm worried that we have to try and change this and get her out of the house doing! Lots of talk with Lucy about exams, sixth form college and prospective A-levels fills me with joy and slight anxiety as to how old I am getting! We feel a bit stuck as a family at the moment and not in that much of a hurry to embrace the summer and what's left of it. The Hammond's seem to be experiencing a massive Covid hangover! So to force the issue and build up family life in the next year, a dream holiday to Italy has been booked. 'Carpe Diem' and something very much to look forward to. I've been struggling to recover from the last year and stuck in a rut, but my focus must be to support my kids first and foremost. My problem is, I can barely work it out for myself, let alone my kids! I will think on and try to help them, Who would have thought a year or so ago that overcoming the impact a pandemic has on our children would be a parental challenge we needed to overcome...

On the mend....

Really good news that Anna is on the mend. It's been a week of worry and her frustration at being stuck in the house for ten days now is showing. She's left with a cough, no taste and still sluggish. Just as worrying Amy tested positive for Covid this week with cough, feeling wiped out and headaches. It is of huge relief to us both that she has been vaccinated as this killer respiratory illness could have been much worse. Thank God for the fates and good timing, Amy seems to be on the mend too. Other adults have not been so lucky in the last year. It's a strange place to be in as a family; with no affection, no hugs, no contact and giving each other such a wide birth. You almost become a little frightened of the ones you love.  Lucy and I remain negative for now and have spent the week cleaning, hanging out together at distance, decorating her room, cooking, playing evening Potter Uno, singing badly and virus dodging. I've so enjoyed her company 😊All being well, the world will let us out and about on Friday lunchtime. For Anna, this will have been fifteen stressful and difficult days. She's been awesome, carrying this worry for one so young virtually without our physical support. I continue to believe that everything happens for a reason and the fates led us to this house and all the space we have that makes such challenging circumstances easier. Despite this space, I am tired and feeling penned in, as picking up everything to keep us going in running the house and more. Can't cook, won't cook seems to have gone out of the window! 😖 One day at a time! 

Isolation....

The pandemic continues to have an impact on our lives as a family and in particular our children. We are sadly in a period of isolation and not being able to leave the house for up to ten days (or even more) as Anna has sadly been tested positive for Covid-19. She is stuck in her room feeling groggy, tired and generally pants 😟 Lucy has missed out on a positive finish to the end of such a difficult year that she so richly deserves having worked so hard on her mock exams. She has been commendably patient and tolerant throughout all this, occasionally ranting about how the Boris has made a cock up in his handling of the pandemic. I feel sad and disappointed for them every day of what they have not had the opportunity to experience. They can never get these years back. Me - I'm just trying to survive and roll with each punch and to get through being strong for my family. Stresses such as further loss of income in the battle to keep a roof over our head don't help! I'm tackling this latest enforced 'staycation' by being my usual self and keeping busy. Work, gardening, biking, housework and I'm am going to be tackling decorating the hell hole that is Lucy bedroom at the end of the week. I'll hopefully see you on the other side safe and well! It's day four or three, I forget. The sun is shining and we go one day at a time xx

The best kind of present!

Anna's teenager years are upon her and in what felt like a three day celebration of entertainment, food and visitors bringing gifts, love and best wishes. After I got over the initial shock and almost choked myself to death purchasing her a Chelsea shirt for her present 😝, the best present she could wish for arrived. Her finger has healed nicely and we began practicing in the garden and drilling balls at her to test it. She was grinning like a Cheshire cat when all was well and she could dive around once again making saves. That smile was a memorable one. First football training starts next week and she couldn't happier, as Amy and I for her. Its been a tough couple of months for her, hampered and not being able to do what she loves so much. This absence has really shown how truly important football is to her. A trial for Norwich is coming up in August and fingers crossed she excels. I think she's had a super birthday and one that has been closer to normal than last year. Happy birthday Wiggle. You are much loved, despite your hormones and general levels of teenage grumpiness! x