A Christmas of mixed emotions....

The last couple of days have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, making memories, joy, exhilaration and sadness. This Christmas has been unique and I am not sure we will experience one like it again in our family. Our first Christmas in our new home was simply lovely. The joy of watching Joan open her stocking and presents, the company of dear friends in Libby, Ben and Big Lucy, Ron came and we laughed a great deal playing the bells, a fabulous lunch cooked to perfection by Mrs Hammond and some amazing swag! It got better and better with city scoring a 98th minute equalizer in extra time on Boxing day, I did nearly drop Anna during the celebrations! Footballing exhilaration that is second to none. For some they may now be quite pleased that I can barely talk! We woke up to the most beautiful frost and wandered up to the church for a gentle stroll to move lunch down a bit! A lovely day of simplicity surrounded by loved ones and friends.

Despite this I have found the last two days so very hard and at times have felt broken. I have smiled, cried, felt quiet, but throughout it have felt blessed every single minute of the festive period. On Christmas Eve, Amy and I sat with Auntie and the doctor and talked about putting in a syringe driver to ease her pain. I knew what this meant. I knew that conversations would now be mumbled or not be able to happen and I knew the day I had been dreading for so long would be here so very soon. Christmas day was a shock for us all, with Auntie not speaking and now sleeping on the bed. All we are able to do is hold her hand, tell her how much we love her and wait now. Last night I visited and for the first time simply could not handle it or face being there. During the house move I lost a card that I wrote to Auntie telling her how much I loved her and thank you for all she had done for me. Ironically I found it last night and realised I has missed the opportunity to give it to her and for her to read it. I have given so much of my emotional energy supporting her this year with difficult situations, decisions and distressing circumstances that I could not do it. The visit felt one difficult day too far, if I am honest. I have had a good nights sleep and will go again today. I was exhausted last night. I am so grateful for the opportunity she gave me as a child. She gave me love, a home and security. To see the see the smiles and laughter of my children on Christmas day at lunch is her legacy. I have had an amazing day celebrating with my family and friends. I feel square with the house and ready for what the next day or so brings again. This is not going to be easy, I need to be strong and go on the next stage of the journey on my own without a parental figure in my life. The thing is, I am not alone, I have a wonderful family, a beautiful wife and two amazing kids who make me so very proud every day. So today, I am going to get through with a big smile, channel Auntie Joan's resilience and courage; go and hold her hand and show her how much I love her. Merry Christmas and may 2019 draw our family ever closer...

Goodbye to a gentle soul...

Today didn't quite pan out how I envisioned, our first day of the holidays with all of us together. After a short illness we had to say goodbye to Inky. This morning, in Amy's arms with a kiss, a cuddle and some chatter about eating cat poo and chasing rabbits, Inky drifted off to sleep not to wake up again. The decision to have her put to sleep was not a hard one, as she had become unwell very quickly in the last week and I could not bare to see such a gentle and kind soul suffer. This evening our family feels very heavy and sad. We have lit a candle for our wonderful family pet and it will glow for a long time. Inky and I may have not always seen eye to eye, mainly due to her continence and my regular treading in her pee in the early hours of the morning!  I am not sure however I will ever come across an animal with such a kind nature. For that I am grateful to have had her in my life and we will all miss her terribly. Rest in peace 'Stink Bomb' and may you enjoy many a cat poo feast in heaven. No more pain or discomfort. It was a pleasure to share three years with you and we can feel proud that we gave such a lovely creature happiness after clearly what was not the best of starts in life. Good night lovely girl and forever in our hearts xx

Give me one day without a challenge, debate or dicussion....

I have to give Anna the benefit of the doubt, its been a long term and she is nearing the end of months of change, but I can only describe her as an argumentative, challenging and determined young lady at the moment. I am truly hoping that the festive period calms her mood. It's a bit of a worry when you have created a child in your own image who is as focused as you are, hates injustice and always wants to be in control of every decision in her life. Sound familiar anybody?!?  Anna argues with everything and is always ready to stand her corner. The last month has been an endless stream of arguments and running battles just to get her to do simple things in the house and contribute. She's even arguing about the arguing! Maybe, this is all ten year olds? I love my youngest daughter to pieces but I would dearly love a couple of weeks of truce please Anna. Let's enjoy the Christmas holidays together and then we can go back to arguing in January 2019, I promise!!! We really do rub each other up the wrong way sometimes. I need my break too and perhaps am directly contributing with my lack of Christmas spirt in this relationship. I am trying not to be 'Bah humbug', everything is just a bit of a struggle at the moment...

Didn't she do well!

It has been a week of parental contrasts some of which have left me beaming with pride, others bemused at how I am going to handle things and tinged with a bit of sadness. Let's start with the confusing bits. I witnessed, got highly involved in and parentally cocked up my handling of the  first and significant teenage hormonal surge and strop last Sunday. I definitely did not cover myself in glory, as Anna joined in and took her stubborn defiant nature to the next level as well. Amy advising me to give them some calm down time and I could not let it go as it was about manners at the table. Mrs Hammond's strategy would have brought a much quicker resolution to the debate!  A work mentor of mine once gave me some amazing and highly effective advice that when I wish to step in and say something that could be contentious I should breath and sit on my hands. I can do this at work quite naturally now after all these years, may need some practice on this at home with the girls! Pride came when we received a letter from Lucy's school stating that she had been awarded three 'above and beyond points', which she tells me are like gold dust for her outstanding attitude to learning. It was a small thing, but such a significant achievement by Lucy to be recognised in such a short space of time at her new school and with everything that has gone on too. The sadness piece comes from the fact that the girls have politely and slightly awkwardly (as to not disappoint me) declined to come to the last two football games with me. I think their enthusiasm for having this experience with me may be dwindling; not sure if they are tired at the end of a long term or don't want to stand in the cold. I hope they change their minds, it has been an experience so far in sharing this part of my life with them that has filled me with love and joy. Fingers crossed one of them comes for the next home game on Boxing day!   A few weeks ago Lucy finally experienced the exhilaration of the last minute winner with city 2-3 down on the 90th minute and ending up winning the game 4-3 with two quick goals. She was bouncing up and down like a true football fan! Loved it and shared it with her so that we may talk about it for years to come..

Settling in and really looking forward to Christmas!

Life is tinged by sadness at the moment, but we are also really looking forward as a family and I cannot help but think we have landed on our feet and how positive the house move has been for us all. The opportunity it has already brought and the changes to our lives already shining through. Simple things such as sharing more meals together as a family, more space so we don't kill each other, and Lucy joined us in watching a film the other night. These are just small examples of changing dynamics. The massive thing is the pride I feel in how the girls have welcomed Joan as part of the family and offer her support. Grandma really might not be here at Christmas, but in her memory I am determined the future will be positive and we will create the most amazing family home in the next chapter of our lives together. Thank you girls for your open nature to all this change. Really proud of you and here's to the future and our first Christmas at Pond House. My hope is that in years to come the girls will name the house and consider it home and a pivotal and influential place in their lives. Just like Joan and I can name Berry Hall as having the same impact on us in our childhood....

Directing that tenacious attitude....

My world is full of very forthright women, although this week Joan finally moved in and is settling in and provides calm in the ever constant storm I live with! Anna is full of arguments, attempts to assert herself and an ever bubbling undercurrent of grit and determination to be in control. I think we may have found an outlet for this and that is keeping goal on the football field. Without any training and coaching as yet in respect of this, she is showing some real talent and attacks this role with a 'no fear' attitude. Her performances get better and better each time I watch her. On Monday evening she was selected for the Kings Lynn academy in this position after a successful trial. One fiery girl amongst all those boys, very proud dad! The only girl I might add! Tenacious women is the order of the week and with a heavy heart I have organised for Grandma to go into a nursing home for what looks like the last couple of months of her life. That determination and independence that has served her so well  and got her this far, is now hampering her. She finds it exceptionally difficult to accept and ask for help, and at a time when she most needs it. She looks to me to assist and lead on things to ensure her wishes are carried through, and then resists me helping or does not heed my advice. It's so heart breaking to see her loose control and independence and I want only for her to receive the best care possible at this time. I am finding it so hard to watch her in so much pain and not take what I see as the sound decision to have more pain meds. We all want control and complete involvement in the choices and key decisions in our lives, whether we are ten like Anna or in our eighties. I am not sure 2018 has finished with me as yet in its challenges and hurdles to overcome or the tenacious and obstinate women in my life!!!!

I had a moment..

Panicked - not my Looby Chick?! She really settling into her new school and every day she comes home saying in 'borderline and monosyllabic teenage' fashion that it has been a better day. This is music to my ears as her switch of schools was my main worry about the move. She is doing well, in some tops sets as well following her initial assessment. She has been really calm about it all, and nothing as yet has really phased her. A few dramas with new friends already, but nothing other than teenage girls spending time with each other. I had a real flutter of pride this evening when I got back from work and found Lucy beavering away at her homework on the new dining room table. It was a picture not to forget. She sounded out the warning 'I am going to need more space when I am revising for GCSE's'. This was a benchmark comment that showed me how she is now settling in and a renewed passion for learning again. She's come downstairs and presented her Christmas list to Amy and there is now a heated debate going on about spelling. Things are settling down, back to normal and I am pleased as punch...