A good way to start moving forwards...

I've been desperately struggling since Auntie passed away, I have finally been honest with myself and started to open up about this to Amy. I've held things in for far too long in the last year and I need to move forwards. I've been very caught up in my own grief that I didn't notice others were struggling like I was, in particular Anna who misses her Grandma greatly. Lucy is more pragmatic and although talks about things, seems to be doing fine. I have not been a good parent this year and overcome by such difficult emotions, forgot my job and to offer comfort and support to my family who also miss her too. I don't have the monopoly on grief in these circumstances and should not expect this to just be about me. Amy spotted this in Anna and did something about this and helped her do something positive. They organised a fundraising event in Auntie's memory with a coffee and cake afternoon at our house to raise money for cancer research. I feel ashamed really, I did not champion this and did not really want it to go ahead. I thought it would be too hard for me and I was dreading it. I feel so very lost and feel I cannot replace the void left by Auntie. I have lost my safety net and the person I went to when things were hard. I have been having nightmares on a regular basis relating to my childhood and it's been so very tough indeed. I'm tired and am finding it so very hard to move passed the difficult events of the last year or so. Consumed by all this. I forgot to be a dad, I forgot to be a husband. The event went ahead and I did my best to help and not feel so down. I tried to embrace the celebration of her life. You know what, Amy was so right. Amy was right to push us into doing something positive and I can only say what a emotional experience it was. To open up our house, if only for an afternoon and show the love and kindness that Auntie did was something I did not expect. Amy worked so hard and Anna, although letting her mum do most of the work (another conversation for another day!), clearly moved forwards as a result of the experience. Its done me the world of good and has kicked me out of the bad place I found myself in. An amazing £370 was raised in Auntie's memory. Its hard being a dad when something so difficult happens in life and you loose the person you thought would always be there for you. You feel vulnerable and can't move out of the grief to be the person you need to be for others. Since Saturday, I feel a bit better. I feel a bit clearer and feel more like me without such a massive burden on my shoulders. I have felt like a could be a dad again, with Anna and I talking things through in the car on the way to football on Sunday morning. Its a start, it's a step forward. I want to be the best dad and husband I possibly can and I will do my best to move into a space where I can be positive once again. One day at a time x