Celebrating some successes and moving forwards...

Child number one will still not let me take a picture of her, but I would have attached one in celebration of her grade nine ethics work, which is the equivalent of an A* at GCSE. Really not bad for a young lady who has just turned fourteen. I think she likes a debate and an argument just like her dad! Less proud and awaiting clarification about her first detention at school. Although appears to be a strange one and her being punished for struggling at something, Very positive motivational practice from her school. Anna's doing well and working hard to overcome anxieties and new experiences; also nailing her football and played last week against Norwich city elite (boys) with Kings Lynn (she did really well). Ground breaking girl power stuff! In other exciting news Amy is undertaking an introductory course on Saturday re play therapy and looking into a possible career change in the future. She is an exceptional teacher, but I am worried about the impact this career is now having on her well being. I want her to be happy and move forwards after a difficult family year and this seems like an exciting and open possibility for some change that really makes a difference. Me, I'm moving forwards and have booked myself in to see a counsellor starting next week. Time to help me, focus positively moving forwards and get back to feeling like myself. A good week and a positive one. Next week will bring the same I am sure... 

The time of the sloth is emerging....

There are days when I epically fail at being a father. Take for example the running battle with Lucy I have been having for months about the simple task of keeping her bedroom tidy. I have offered help, actually helped, offered reward, spoken calmly, set targets, got cross and flipped my lid and even threatened loss of electronic devices. Will she clean her room, no! Will she listen to her father, no! Gradually, over a sustained period of time, the ways of a teenager have slowly kicked into daughter number one. Soon, the lack of motion she sustains in a day will take her close to sloth like movements! Or so I thought, today she seems to have sprung into action a bit, cleaned and hoovered her room, helped Amy cook a wonderful roast dinner and is now completing her homework diligently. Either she's sickening for something, angling for an increase on spending at Christmas or we have turned a corner. Only time will tell.....

A good way to start moving forwards...

I've been desperately struggling since Auntie passed away, I have finally been honest with myself and started to open up about this to Amy. I've held things in for far too long in the last year and I need to move forwards. I've been very caught up in my own grief that I didn't notice others were struggling like I was, in particular Anna who misses her Grandma greatly. Lucy is more pragmatic and although talks about things, seems to be doing fine. I have not been a good parent this year and overcome by such difficult emotions, forgot my job and to offer comfort and support to my family who also miss her too. I don't have the monopoly on grief in these circumstances and should not expect this to just be about me. Amy spotted this in Anna and did something about this and helped her do something positive. They organised a fundraising event in Auntie's memory with a coffee and cake afternoon at our house to raise money for cancer research. I feel ashamed really, I did not champion this and did not really want it to go ahead. I thought it would be too hard for me and I was dreading it. I feel so very lost and feel I cannot replace the void left by Auntie. I have lost my safety net and the person I went to when things were hard. I have been having nightmares on a regular basis relating to my childhood and it's been so very tough indeed. I'm tired and am finding it so very hard to move passed the difficult events of the last year or so. Consumed by all this. I forgot to be a dad, I forgot to be a husband. The event went ahead and I did my best to help and not feel so down. I tried to embrace the celebration of her life. You know what, Amy was so right. Amy was right to push us into doing something positive and I can only say what a emotional experience it was. To open up our house, if only for an afternoon and show the love and kindness that Auntie did was something I did not expect. Amy worked so hard and Anna, although letting her mum do most of the work (another conversation for another day!), clearly moved forwards as a result of the experience. Its done me the world of good and has kicked me out of the bad place I found myself in. An amazing £370 was raised in Auntie's memory. Its hard being a dad when something so difficult happens in life and you loose the person you thought would always be there for you. You feel vulnerable and can't move out of the grief to be the person you need to be for others. Since Saturday, I feel a bit better. I feel a bit clearer and feel more like me without such a massive burden on my shoulders. I have felt like a could be a dad again, with Anna and I talking things through in the car on the way to football on Sunday morning. Its a start, it's a step forward. I want to be the best dad and husband I possibly can and I will do my best to move into a space where I can be positive once again. One day at a time x