A Christmas of mixed emotions....

The last couple of days have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, making memories, joy, exhilaration and sadness. This Christmas has been unique and I am not sure we will experience one like it again in our family. Our first Christmas in our new home was simply lovely. The joy of watching Joan open her stocking and presents, the company of dear friends in Libby, Ben and Big Lucy, Ron came and we laughed a great deal playing the bells, a fabulous lunch cooked to perfection by Mrs Hammond and some amazing swag! It got better and better with city scoring a 98th minute equalizer in extra time on Boxing day, I did nearly drop Anna during the celebrations! Footballing exhilaration that is second to none. For some they may now be quite pleased that I can barely talk! We woke up to the most beautiful frost and wandered up to the church for a gentle stroll to move lunch down a bit! A lovely day of simplicity surrounded by loved ones and friends.

Despite this I have found the last two days so very hard and at times have felt broken. I have smiled, cried, felt quiet, but throughout it have felt blessed every single minute of the festive period. On Christmas Eve, Amy and I sat with Auntie and the doctor and talked about putting in a syringe driver to ease her pain. I knew what this meant. I knew that conversations would now be mumbled or not be able to happen and I knew the day I had been dreading for so long would be here so very soon. Christmas day was a shock for us all, with Auntie not speaking and now sleeping on the bed. All we are able to do is hold her hand, tell her how much we love her and wait now. Last night I visited and for the first time simply could not handle it or face being there. During the house move I lost a card that I wrote to Auntie telling her how much I loved her and thank you for all she had done for me. Ironically I found it last night and realised I has missed the opportunity to give it to her and for her to read it. I have given so much of my emotional energy supporting her this year with difficult situations, decisions and distressing circumstances that I could not do it. The visit felt one difficult day too far, if I am honest. I have had a good nights sleep and will go again today. I was exhausted last night. I am so grateful for the opportunity she gave me as a child. She gave me love, a home and security. To see the see the smiles and laughter of my children on Christmas day at lunch is her legacy. I have had an amazing day celebrating with my family and friends. I feel square with the house and ready for what the next day or so brings again. This is not going to be easy, I need to be strong and go on the next stage of the journey on my own without a parental figure in my life. The thing is, I am not alone, I have a wonderful family, a beautiful wife and two amazing kids who make me so very proud every day. So today, I am going to get through with a big smile, channel Auntie Joan's resilience and courage; go and hold her hand and show her how much I love her. Merry Christmas and may 2019 draw our family ever closer...