Sleep well and thank you...

Early morning around 5.30am on the 29th December I finally got the call I had been dreading for weeks. Auntie passed away peacefully in her sleep. Now time for her to take a well earned rest after years as the head of our family and believe me I am sure it was no picnic bringing all those children and taking them into adult life! At the moment I have a heavy heart and am filled with sadness, but I am sure in the coming weeks and months this will turn to pride and joy and I will be able to focus on the lovely memories I have of her. She was the closest thing I had to a mother, after all. She was one of the two people who quite simply changed the course of my life as a baby and everything that has happened after. There is still lots to do to sort out her affairs and my main priority is to organise her a fitting send off that reflects a life so very well led. I already miss her terribly and the simple act of not being able to speak to her is very upsetting. I will always talk to her, always ask her what she thinks about something and she will always be with me in everything I do. Thank you once again Auntie for the life I am leading, I love it and it's all because you took me in. I have been so overwhelmed by the messages I have received in the last few days. So many people loved her, as I did. It simply shows how this amazing woman touched so many lives. Rest in peace xx

A Christmas of mixed emotions....

The last couple of days have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, making memories, joy, exhilaration and sadness. This Christmas has been unique and I am not sure we will experience one like it again in our family. Our first Christmas in our new home was simply lovely. The joy of watching Joan open her stocking and presents, the company of dear friends in Libby, Ben and Big Lucy, Ron came and we laughed a great deal playing the bells, a fabulous lunch cooked to perfection by Mrs Hammond and some amazing swag! It got better and better with city scoring a 98th minute equalizer in extra time on Boxing day, I did nearly drop Anna during the celebrations! Footballing exhilaration that is second to none. For some they may now be quite pleased that I can barely talk! We woke up to the most beautiful frost and wandered up to the church for a gentle stroll to move lunch down a bit! A lovely day of simplicity surrounded by loved ones and friends.

Despite this I have found the last two days so very hard and at times have felt broken. I have smiled, cried, felt quiet, but throughout it have felt blessed every single minute of the festive period. On Christmas Eve, Amy and I sat with Auntie and the doctor and talked about putting in a syringe driver to ease her pain. I knew what this meant. I knew that conversations would now be mumbled or not be able to happen and I knew the day I had been dreading for so long would be here so very soon. Christmas day was a shock for us all, with Auntie not speaking and now sleeping on the bed. All we are able to do is hold her hand, tell her how much we love her and wait now. Last night I visited and for the first time simply could not handle it or face being there. During the house move I lost a card that I wrote to Auntie telling her how much I loved her and thank you for all she had done for me. Ironically I found it last night and realised I has missed the opportunity to give it to her and for her to read it. I have given so much of my emotional energy supporting her this year with difficult situations, decisions and distressing circumstances that I could not do it. The visit felt one difficult day too far, if I am honest. I have had a good nights sleep and will go again today. I was exhausted last night. I am so grateful for the opportunity she gave me as a child. She gave me love, a home and security. To see the see the smiles and laughter of my children on Christmas day at lunch is her legacy. I have had an amazing day celebrating with my family and friends. I feel square with the house and ready for what the next day or so brings again. This is not going to be easy, I need to be strong and go on the next stage of the journey on my own without a parental figure in my life. The thing is, I am not alone, I have a wonderful family, a beautiful wife and two amazing kids who make me so very proud every day. So today, I am going to get through with a big smile, channel Auntie Joan's resilience and courage; go and hold her hand and show her how much I love her. Merry Christmas and may 2019 draw our family ever closer...

Goodbye to a gentle soul...

Today didn't quite pan out how I envisioned, our first day of the holidays with all of us together. After a short illness we had to say goodbye to Inky. This morning, in Amy's arms with a kiss, a cuddle and some chatter about eating cat poo and chasing rabbits, Inky drifted off to sleep not to wake up again. The decision to have her put to sleep was not a hard one, as she had become unwell very quickly in the last week and I could not bare to see such a gentle and kind soul suffer. This evening our family feels very heavy and sad. We have lit a candle for our wonderful family pet and it will glow for a long time. Inky and I may have not always seen eye to eye, mainly due to her continence and my regular treading in her pee in the early hours of the morning!  I am not sure however I will ever come across an animal with such a kind nature. For that I am grateful to have had her in my life and we will all miss her terribly. Rest in peace 'Stink Bomb' and may you enjoy many a cat poo feast in heaven. No more pain or discomfort. It was a pleasure to share three years with you and we can feel proud that we gave such a lovely creature happiness after clearly what was not the best of starts in life. Good night lovely girl and forever in our hearts xx

Give me one day without a challenge, debate or dicussion....

I have to give Anna the benefit of the doubt, its been a long term and she is nearing the end of months of change, but I can only describe her as an argumentative, challenging and determined young lady at the moment. I am truly hoping that the festive period calms her mood. It's a bit of a worry when you have created a child in your own image who is as focused as you are, hates injustice and always wants to be in control of every decision in her life. Sound familiar anybody?!?  Anna argues with everything and is always ready to stand her corner. The last month has been an endless stream of arguments and running battles just to get her to do simple things in the house and contribute. She's even arguing about the arguing! Maybe, this is all ten year olds? I love my youngest daughter to pieces but I would dearly love a couple of weeks of truce please Anna. Let's enjoy the Christmas holidays together and then we can go back to arguing in January 2019, I promise!!! We really do rub each other up the wrong way sometimes. I need my break too and perhaps am directly contributing with my lack of Christmas spirt in this relationship. I am trying not to be 'Bah humbug', everything is just a bit of a struggle at the moment...

Didn't she do well!

It has been a week of parental contrasts some of which have left me beaming with pride, others bemused at how I am going to handle things and tinged with a bit of sadness. Let's start with the confusing bits. I witnessed, got highly involved in and parentally cocked up my handling of the  first and significant teenage hormonal surge and strop last Sunday. I definitely did not cover myself in glory, as Anna joined in and took her stubborn defiant nature to the next level as well. Amy advising me to give them some calm down time and I could not let it go as it was about manners at the table. Mrs Hammond's strategy would have brought a much quicker resolution to the debate!  A work mentor of mine once gave me some amazing and highly effective advice that when I wish to step in and say something that could be contentious I should breath and sit on my hands. I can do this at work quite naturally now after all these years, may need some practice on this at home with the girls! Pride came when we received a letter from Lucy's school stating that she had been awarded three 'above and beyond points', which she tells me are like gold dust for her outstanding attitude to learning. It was a small thing, but such a significant achievement by Lucy to be recognised in such a short space of time at her new school and with everything that has gone on too. The sadness piece comes from the fact that the girls have politely and slightly awkwardly (as to not disappoint me) declined to come to the last two football games with me. I think their enthusiasm for having this experience with me may be dwindling; not sure if they are tired at the end of a long term or don't want to stand in the cold. I hope they change their minds, it has been an experience so far in sharing this part of my life with them that has filled me with love and joy. Fingers crossed one of them comes for the next home game on Boxing day!   A few weeks ago Lucy finally experienced the exhilaration of the last minute winner with city 2-3 down on the 90th minute and ending up winning the game 4-3 with two quick goals. She was bouncing up and down like a true football fan! Loved it and shared it with her so that we may talk about it for years to come..